I don’t want this to sound like a hate speech…but I really, really, really don’t like Douchebags. Especially when their douche behavior risks other people’s lives and even their kids! Don’t get me wrong, we all have those moments where we occasionally act a little like a douche. I mean come on, we’re only human. But this is for the douches out there who day in and day out consistently make others angry, spread negativity, and risk lives.
What does this have to do with my parenting blog? I’m not quite sure. Maybe it’s an attempt to prevent this terrible behavior from being passed on to the offender’s children. Before we dive in, let’s clarify the different titles and severity of the Douchebag.
The Junior Douche
Douche in training. Your bad behavior, although not as consistent and severe, will form a gateway to more sinister acts as you progress. Break the cycle and make a change while you still can!
The Stupid Douche
Your ignorance and stupidity are no excuse for acting like a douche. Your behavior stems from not knowing how to act or appropriately treat others.
The Douchebag
The original if you will. You consistently and unashamingly participate in douchebag activities that make enemies, cause negativity, and hurt others.
The Royal Douche 💩
You are an elitist amongst the douches. Sometimes referred to as the king douche. Your douche reputation preceeds you and lingers in your victims’ minds long after you’re gone. Your actions can silence an entire room within seconds and leave people in awe, danger, and disgust.
17 Signs you Might be a Douche
Non-driving Offenses
1. You cut in line without asking others if they are waiting or mind. Douchebag!
2. You politely ask a parent how old their baby or toddler is and then follow up with a derogatory comment like “Oh, he’s so small.” Yeah that’s exactly what a parent wants to hear about how their kid is not developing as fast as other children. Thank you Stupid Douche!
3. You stand by as your kid is rude and disrespectful to others, even children. I guess it’s fitting that your kid acts like that given you are a Douchebag.
4. You use and abuse Mother Earth by littering. Make a little effort to throw away your trash and don’t be a Junior Douche.
5. You hurt, abuse or neglect pets. Yes we’ve all accidentally killed poor Goldie the fish, but the owners who mistreat the animals that you see on the ASPCA commercials are Royal Douches.
6. Somebody goes out of their way to help you for free and then you complain and whine about it. I am guilty of this one, just ask my wife! Junior Douche!
7. You use your toddler to show off and one-up other kids. Uh…again guilty as charged! Lol I can sometimes be a little competitive, and a Junior Douche.
Driving Offenses
8. You have a train horn on anything that is not a train. Scaring people while they’re driving is dangerous and that makes you a Douchebag.
9. Your ridiculously loud diesel truck blows black exhaust smoke on people and cars. Hey I like built trucks, but not damaging or poisoning others. That makes you a Douchebag.
Daddy Angry, Daddy Smash!
10. You don’t stop for people walking on crosswalks or in parking lots, even when it’s raining! God forbid you have to wait from the comfort of your dry car while someone carries groceries and a toddler in the rain. You sir (in the black Acura MDX that almost hit me the other day) are a Royal Douche.
11. You fail to pass other drivers when in the left lane, thus blocking traffic. Left lane is for passing! If you’re on the highway, the fastest way to piss off other drivers is to block them in the left lane. Get the bleep over you Stupid Douche!
12. You speed down neighborhood streets when children are playing. I think this qualifies for Royal Douche.
13. You pull in or out of a parking space as the person next to you is getting in or out of their car. I was almost hit by a Stupid Douche who couldn’t wait 3 seconds while I was getting my son out of his car seat.
14. You neglect to pull over for ambulances and emergency vehicles. Someone could be dying in that ambulance and that makes you a Royal Douche.
Don’t hurt the baby!
15. You fail to stop for school buses as they load and unload children. Nice! Risking the lives of children makes you a Royal Douche!
16. You blast super loud bass or smoke cigarettes while your baby is in the back seat. Really? You’re a Stupid Douche.
17. Finally, for you Fast and Furious wannabes, gunning your car in a parking lot doesn’t mean your car is fast. It actually means that you’re a Douche. If you want to get noticed, how about doing something meaningful with your life.
Do you have any suggestions or additions to this list? Please post a comment below and I will add it. Thanks for reading and good luck out there!
Updates from readers:
18. Texting and driving is definitely dangerous and a douche move that a lot of us are guilty of! Added by Kim
19. Rolling through stop signs especially when children are around. Super dangerous and Royal Douche worthy. Added by Kristopher
20. Assuming a woman is pregnant and then making comments to her about it. Seriously, the main indication that a woman you don’t know is pregnant is that she looks bigger than her normal self. By calling her out on it, pregnant or not, is saying she looks big and that makes you a stupid douche.
21. Taking your sick child out in public and even to play with other children! Stop being parental douches! If your child has a fever, runny nose, bad cough, or any other signs of illness, keep them home!
I like the post very much, it taught me a lot of things. Thanks for sharing!
The post is very interesting, I learnt a lot from it. Thanks for sharing!
Douche bags never think rules apply to them, you often see them with dogs off leash in places where dogs are suppose to be on a leash.
Basketball hoops in driveways. Parents who let their children play till 930-10 at night, in a wonderful neighborhood. Have some consideration for all the other kids who live next door , who you say hi to, and let them sleep. Will make for happier parents and a happier neighborhood. Douche, creating junior douches. Great post!
How about stopping your car in the middle of traffic so that you can wait and change lanes rather than changing lanes with the flow of traffic. Douche!
It’s a terrifying thought but according to this statistic I just made up, 1 out of 4 people don’t know they’re actually a douche. If you’re concerned you may suffer from this affliction, here are some signs to look for.
Of course, but just like when Sarah Palin shot that caribou on TV, the part you don t see is the caribou, or the girls, getting herded out into the open by TV producers so they can get blasted in the face. Anyway, it is important to spot the signs of douche-dressing early while there is still time to be saved.
Those drivers that think they are to good or to cool to stop at stop signs and blow through them especially in neighborhoods with children that could be playing in the street, riding their bikes or just crossing the street to go home for dinner. You sir are a douche.
We all sometimes act like a Douche Jayne! 😉
I am guilty as well on some of those….so I guess I am a douche bag!
I’ll just add my own douche. You cannot text and drive. You may think you can, but your car is only supposed to be driven in one lane at a time.
Added to the list. Thanks Kim!